Today is the one-year blogoversary of Blacklisted!
We have been through so much together over the last year. I was blacklisting in Cairo, Egypt, until I quit my UN job to become a poor PhD student living in hellholes and shitty ass university halls in London, England. As Egypt ignited a revolution that overthrew its regime, not much on the blog happened, but most of the political and Egypt-related rants took place on the Twitter in 140 characters or less as I snuck off to Cairo for a mini-comeback.
So here I am, back in London, and I ask myself, how to celebrate the blogoversary? As I nostalgically looked back at all the people, places, things and ideas that should not have been in the last year, I was stopped in my tracks in sheer horror.
I am fortunate enough to receive lists of all the instances of the terms that are entered into search engines and lead people to this site behind the scenes. So I know that, for example, “bidets” is the second-most popular search term leading to Blacklisted. Bully for me. I also know that the search term “carrefour logo” has lead to Blacklisted 44 times in the last year. This makes sense because Carrefour was at one point blacklisted, and the Carrefour logo was an image for that post.
What makes less sense is some of the other search terms that have lead to Blacklisted. And so after puzzling over this year’s-worth of search terms, I ask:
What the fuck is wrong with you people?
I’ve made a list, in order from bizarre to blitzkriged my fucking mind with consternation, of the top 20 search terms that have caused people to come across Blacklisted when they were clearly looking for something even more fucked up, which apparently, is possible:
20. sexual torture in medieval times
19. doctor plague torture room
18. singing into a mop
17. first time fucked virgin
16. bidet means
15. “the glow company”
14. puberty boy in shower
13. ye i better keep it low and i am very hungrary you like fruit..
12. hysterical weeping women
11. pimply girl
10. whale burp
9. very first time sex tubes
8. girl into mutate
7. child want to be friend
6. whale ejaculating
5. pimply a hole
4. fondled whales
3. where can i buy banana hammocks in bulk
2. ثلاجة الموتى*
1. the fetus is inside a bladder with fluid to protect it against shocks from the outside
*Translation: Mortuary, or more literally…refrigerator of the dead. But it’s mortuary.
…I’m pretty freaked out about blogging now.
I have a fair idea of who comes by here and comments on a more regular basis (and you are all awesome!), but I am now terrified of those accidentally coming across Blacklisted through search engines when they were on some freakier mission.
There is a dark underbelly of the Internet that I thought I knew about, but apparently it’s a lot scarier than I ever imagined.
I know there are a lot of nasty pedophiles out there on the Internet, but I don’t know why they keep coming here. Go away, pedophiles! There’s nothing to see here!
Also, I don’t know why the death-obsessed and the whale-obsessed are flocking to my blog. I know that “death” is a fairly common tag on my posts, but did you think that I was the only one who could make you think about whale spunk? I thought I was. Apparently people on the web actively look for many different forms of #4 and #6, which were only a couple of examples of what I found in the complete list. I went ahead and searched for “whale ejaculation” on Google right now, and this blog is not the first, or anywhere near the first, hit. Just a whole lot of threads about how many gallons of sperm whales ejaculate in one go, at what speed in miles per hour, and jokes about how spillover is the reason that the ocean is salty.
Well, here’s to a year of Blacklisting, and now I am going to go hide under the covers, weep, and reassess my life strategy.
**Photo from Word Bang.