The mummy of Cleopatra of Thebes is currently in the British Museum, but for the longest time I didn’t know it was Cleopatra “of Thebes.” I thought it was CLEOPATRA Cleopatra.
I got to enjoy several misplaced waves of righteous outrage at Britain at large for helping themselves to the mummified remains of the Egyptian queen, and concluded I could hold anything over their heads because they occupied our country for over 70 years, raped our ancestors, and we, the Egyptians, as a people, dammit, have been robbed of so many artifacts, as well as of CLEOPATRA HERSELF.
They owe us forever.
Except this isn’t Cleopatra herself. This isn’t Cleopatra VII, the foul Egyptian who betrayed Antony. The one who was so influential that she got to have a Shakespeare play about her.
This is some shitty teenager who died at the age of 17 and had the same name as the more famous Cleopatra. And she died about 150 years after the good Cleopatra, Cleopatra VII, the one who I wanted to blame Britain for stealing so I could have an excuse to have Elizabeth. Because a queenswap of Cleo for Liz would only be fair. And Elizabeth is a little cutie. She’d be a great souvenir to bring back to my friends when I leave the UK.
What I know about this Cleopatra from the British Museum is that her father was some official from Thebes. An “official,” that’s so vague, he could have just been a fucking security guard, or a bureaucrat. He probably stood outside buildings triumphantly fining people ridiculous fees for not having the right documents on them, hall monitor-mentalitied shithead.
And he was definitely an asshole because he named his shitty kid “Cleopatra.” He’s like those parents in Kenya who are like “Barack Obama is a famous Kenyan, I’m going to name 15 of my babies Barack Obama!” Or the parents in the Middle East who thought that the Arab Spring was caused directly by Facebook and decided to name their shitty babies “Facebook” and “Like,” for fuck’s sake. THAT is the kind of father this guy was.
And his horrible teenager is in the British Museum getting all the attention she probably craved because any teenager with a name like Cleopatra has got to be a fucking awful diva.
The only other thing I know from the British Museum about this shitty Cleopatra is that her bandaging is messy, so the bandages on the exterior are loose, but on the interior, the bandages are so tight that her left hip has been dislocated.
Fuck you and your shitty body image issues, Cleopatra of Thebes. Stop trying to look skinnier than you are, and stop setting such a shitty example for girls your age about what it means to be beautiful.